Lately I’ve been thinking what I want in this life and I keep looking at myself like what I can be. I wanna help people rather then just be a father, I wanna experience life too the fullest yet im scared too come out of my comfort zone. I’m not even sure what I really want all I know is I want adventure in my life …more then what I have now…I crave it. I don’t want to lose anything however too gain something you must lose something’s. I wanna relax in a cabin near waters and enjoy food, I wanna go too strip clubs go too Vegas, I wanna dance with a girl I love, I want romance too be wanted. I wanna get drunk and hang out with friends..I wanna drive. I wanna do so much and I feel I have little time …too smell fresh fire wood, have a dog, or cat.. be a father that is happy spending time with the kids . I’d don’t know …I keep waiting for something but nothing happens..

So lately I’ve had mixed feelings about my life. One second I’m madly in love with my wife the second I’m crying in a corner all alone, I feel as if I am the only one that truly understands me. However there is someone else who has a idea. I’m conflicted with my feelings I look at my children and wonder am I doing the best I can or am I just doing and Living life day by day. Some mornings I welcome death even thou it scares me I don’t want too die yet if I pass in my sleep my children live on regardless… lately my love life is falling apart my children feel more and more stress from this covid separating there friends was really hard on them… Money is okay however the need for more is always there. I’m stuck between the guy who is a loving father and a man who no longer recognize himself…

Believe it or not I grew up playing Legos and wooden link in logs and books video games where not a thing for me till a later age. I loved movies thou. The very first game I can remember playing is probably Mario for the Nintendo or Mortal Kombat for the arcade at the laundry mats. I fell in love with video games quickly. My favorite growing up was the Nintendo 64 I used to play that all the time. Mario 64 and Zelda where my favorites I’d also play star fox and pod racing. Video games for me was a escape from the bitterness of what I was feeling in the world kept me distracted when ever problems arrived. I’d lose myself in these made up worlds and put myself in the hero shoes . I’d feel so good when finishing a game I wasn’t the smartest kid but somehow doing that made me feel accomplished. Video games evolved yet I still get the same satisfaction out of it as I did back in those days.

As a kid I was never good with the girls. I honestly didn’t have a good relationship till I was in highschool. I never even had sex with a women till I was in highschool, I understood romance as I grew up watching women romance movies as a kid and growing up wanting it more then ever. I became desperate for love and affection. Around prom night I decided to have sex for the first time. It was way different from what I thought it would be like. Honestly she seemed to enjoy it more then I did. She was more used too it then I was. After awhile I went home feeling empty handed and disappointed. Again alone I wanted what was missing the romance and the Passion a few years later I got it I. I’ll never forget the feeling. The feeling of your heart beating so fast when your sitting close together. The moment your lips connect and your body gets warmer. The moment she or he takes you by the hand and guides you over there body still connected to your lips. Then the rush of being on top while taking your time to undress saviouring every second as it seems time has slowed down. That was the passion I was looking for and I finally found it. It was thee best moment of my life during that time and I thought it would be like that forever but sadly nothing last forever.

I can not remember the first memory with my mother nor my father. I remembered how they lived thou. My mother was a very spiritual person she taught me about how the earth provides and we take what we need. She also taught me how some can take too much. My mother would talk about loved ones she had lost like they had been there and she cared just as much as the living ones she would talk too. My mother raised me in her belly as my father left shortly after I was born. My mother never showed me her pain. She was always strong. She was such a hard worker and business women that till this day she remains the same. Shortly after my father left my step father arrived I loved having a man who would teach me what my father couldn’t yet I was afraid. My step father loved lots of things including my mother, he loved cars, Nascar, drinking and smoking and hanging with family. He loved snakes and model cars and would always tell me how real men act around ladies and other men. He always believed I was worth something more then what others saw me as. He protected my mother and us. They where two people lost in the eighty’s madly in love. I was proud to have them as my parents.

My Name Is Zach. Ever sense I was born I was gifted with a open mind. My family never stayed in one place for more then four years. I never learned to settle in a area and make friends as a kid. I’ve been threw three tornadoes and lost a home from it when I was young. I’ve been across New Mexico all the way threw Michigan at least eight times. I grew up in so many places and have seen so much. I still feel the urge to be on the move till this very day. I’ve seen the states and some are very beautiful. I’ve been to Twelve different schools. I’ve eaten many different types of food and have meet very interesting people along the way. The journey has landed me here and I am no longer a child but a man stuck in a place that I still so desperately want to get out and see the world again this time with my family.